You’re Not in the Wrong Seat – You Have the Wrong Attitude

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When you look at this meme, what do you see?

At first glance, it’s pretty simple. There’s a happy guy on one side of the bus looking out over the beautiful landscape and there’s a not so happy guy on the other side of the bus looking at a wall of stone.

The key is in the caption though.

“So much of our happiness depends on how we choose to look at the world.”

How we choose. Choose.

Sometimes we forget that we always have a choice.

I posted the meme (without my own commentary) on social media and someone commented that the guy on the left can’t see anything good because he was put in the “wrong seat” on the bus. The commenter said, “Sometimes you don’t get to choose your seat so there’s nothing good to see.”

I disagree.

And to be honest, that is an attitude of the world. Jesus called us out of the world, remember?

I responded to this person, “If he would just turn his head to the left he could see it too. He is choosing where to direct his gaze.”

He made a choice, and he is looking at the bad view instead of the beautiful one.

Plus, he should be thanking God that he can ride the bus at all. He could be walking. Or worse, he could be left back at the bus stop.

Now, we don’t know if he was actually placed in that seat or if he chose it himself, but it doesn’t really matter. He could always choose to turn his head to the beautiful view.

He is always free to choose joy regardless of his circumstances.

It’s like that in life too.

Sometimes God puts us in some uncomfortable circumstances. Sometimes He puts us in the “wrong seat,” and it is up to us to choose where to look.

Sometimes we just need to change our attitude, stop looking for the negative and seek out the positive in our situation.

Sitting in the “wrong seat” can bring on tremendous growth or great stagnation. It can plough your heart or turn it to stone. It can bring you into a deeper, more meaningful relationship with Jesus or it can turn you away from him and cause bitterness to rise up within you. It’s your choice.

And let’s just be honest, when you choose to keep your eyes on Jesus you can’t help but see beauty.

Choose the beautiful view. Be grateful. Choose joy!

Are you sitting in the “wrong seat” today? Are you looking at a wall of stone?

What are you going to do about it?

Scripture for study: Romans 12:2, Colossians 3:23, Ephesians 4:23, Galatians 5:22-23, Colossians 3:16, Hebrews 13:5

Testimony: Living in God’s Will

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It is the nature of God to put you in situations that you never thought you could survive, turn you into someone you could never picture yourself being, and accomplish things that your human logic deemed impossible.

It is the nature of God to expect, require, demand FAITH from those who choose to take up their cross and follow Him.

He calls us to step away from the world, to shed the worldly things we’ve surrounded ourselves with, and trust in a supernatural God who will empower us to accomplish ALL things that are His will for His purpose.

My husband and I spent a few years in a desert. It didn’t always look exactly like a desert, but looking back, we can see that it was. We were in a church that did not line up with our Holy Ghost convictions and the longer we stayed, the more bound we became. This is not saying anything against this church, the pastor, or the congregation, just that God was taking us farther and we didn’t “fit” there any longer.

We stuck it out – until we couldn’t. – and we made the separation. It was not entirely of our own volition. But we hold no ill will toward them. In the end, it was a blessing because it gave the Lord room to operate and grow us into what He wanted us to become.

And we went into some pretty dry places. We found no rest.

We moved from that place to another, hoping to find that “something.” We weren’t sure what “it” was, but we knew Jesus had something great in store for us.

Eventually that turned into we hoped he had something great and that turned to we hoped he had something for us.

We moved again – with an RV that’s pretty easy. We found ourselves back in my hometown – and directly in the fire.

But fire is purifying, isn’t it?

It was hot. It was uncomfortable. It was uncertain. But we felt that it was the will of God to stay.

To be completely honest, I wanted to leave. I hated this place. There were too many enemies, to many unpleasant memories, too many things that, quite frankly, just didn’t feel like God – or the God I thought I knew anyway.

What I didn’t realize is that I was neck deep in the process – God’s process.

It was Him alright, every single bit. Every bump and bruise and attack, He was there, forcing me to face the things I’d chosen to bury. Making me stare down the things that I had elected to ignore and pretend never existed.

Ripping off the coverings and exposing the wounds that had never healed.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to learn was trusting God’s process.

I had an abundance of faith, but going through the process, the part of the blessings that induce growth, wisdom, and development? Not so much.

But I stayed. I stuck it out – not always by my own choice, mind you. Many, many times I wanted to bolt, to leave and never, EVER look back. My husband felt to stand firm and he encouraged me, held me, grounded me as I stood firm beside him.

We were doing a weekly Bible study with some dear friends (no, not friends, they are family). They both received the Holy Ghost and my husband baptized them in the water trough for their horses – in their pasture.

So, I had them as well to keep me standing firm, grounding me. The Lord put them in my care so I couldn’t abandon them.

And I needed them as much as they needed me, and it didn’t take me long to realize that.

However, we still felt like we were in a desert. We had long periods of time that we felt we were walking through some very dry places. We felt that God was taking us somewhere, leading us to something, had something great in store for us, but He sure was taking His sweet time about it!

Then He led us to Pentecostal Deliverance Church.

I had corresponded with Sister Klein about healing from my past and she had shared some great material with me that was helping not just me, but my husband as well. I had also been following both of them online for several years, especially their spiritual warfare group. My husband and I had been involved in spiritual warfare for years, but never at this level!

And we had no idea that we were on the cusp of an incredible, life changing series of events that would at the same time turn our entire worlds upside down while fulfilling God’s purpose in our lives.

We are still in awe.

So, when we realized that the church was only about an hour away, we were cautiously optimistic. But we’d been hurt by a church already and had visited several churches, only to be left feeling that it was not God’s will for us to be there.

The Lord wasn’t saying much on that though, so we felt a little like we were free falling, not sure where we would land. We did have faith though. We believed with our whole hearts that He would lead us where He wanted us in His time.

And where He led us was an hour from home and looked absolutely nothing like any church we’d ever been in before.

It was Apostolic. It was Torah. It was FULL BIBLE!

Now, many churches claim that they are full Bible, but until you sit in a church that really is, you have no idea. God was moving before we even crossed the threshold that first day.

And He hasn’t stopped.

Since we have integrated ourselves into this body, joined ourselves to these wonderful people, the blessings that have been poured out have been breathtaking. The constant flow of the Holy Ghost is just incredible and the growth, the GROWTH has been phenomenal!

I changed. My husband changed. Our marriage changed. Our ministries both together and separate changed. We have come more fully into God’s purpose for us, and we have discovered that when you are allowed to freely operate in the gifts of the spirit within a Holy Ghost filled body that believed in the operation of the gifts of the spirit, those gifts become so much more powerful!

I am operating in the spirit in ways I never, ever imagined.

I have changed in ways that I never knew were possible.

It’s like someone turned the light back on but with a 1000 watt bulb in place of the previous 45 watt one.

But the path from where we were to where we are was not easy. The enemy continually fought us. It was relentless! Everything he could throw at us, he did. He used family, friends, pseudo Christians, you name it.

I learned a lot about who my real enemies are. And I walked away from them because I will always, ALWAYS choose Jesus FIRST!

The enemy put doubt in our minds, made us constantly question if we were going in the right direction, if we were doing the right thing.

And then we decided to move to the Ozarks. Yes, the enemy almost won.

Then we walked through those doors into the most incredible anointing we’ve ever experienced.

Everything got better. Our marriage is better than it ever has been – beyond our wildest imaginations. Our lives, our happiness, our JOY can’t even be put into words.

There is still adversity here, people who don’t like me much, but I’m OK with that. I keep praying for them and I hope that someday they are filled with the Holy Ghost, become fully submitted to Jesus, and receive the revelation of who He truly is. Because right now, they have none of that. It is evident in the fruit they bear.

I am hopeful though, because I would love for everyone to experience what we are experiencing in God right now. It is for everyone if they are willing to put away the world and just follow Him.

In 2008 the Lord told me that I was His soldier. I said, “Lord, you have the wrong person! I’m not a soldier. I’m just an autistic girl trying to figure out humanity.”

The Lord said watch and see.

I am seeing it now!! WOW! Am I ever seeing it now!!! I AM a soldier! I am powerful! I am doing things walking in the Spirit of God that I NEVER thought possible for me!

In 2009 the Lord told me that I would be teaching to many people, that I would be a speaking to large masses, teaching people about Him through my testimony. He said I would speak to large crowds and people would come to know Him through my words – my words beyond my writing.

I said, “Lord, you have the way wrong person! I can barely speak to one or two people at a time, much less hundreds or thousands!”

I’m starting to rethink my response now.

I believe that too is on the horizon.

And it’s getting closer and closer.

Watch God work!

Autism, Medical Visit, Meltdown

Today was a rough day.

Now, I am about to get very real and very raw so if you’re not up to it or if you can’t be kind, please just move along. I don’t need negativity today, not like this.

I have surgery in a couple of days, Wednesday to be exact. Things have moved along pretty quickly. It isn’t anything life threatening, just affects my mobility. I was at the doctor on last Tuesday and he has scheduled my surgery for this Wednesday. Needless to say, the past few days have been a flurry of appointments as I get cleared for the surgery.

A lot of pressure.

If you know me, you know that I am autistic. Yes, I have a doctor’s diagnosis. Lots of anxiety comes with that. It isn’t a conscious thing, just a switch that my brain flips when I am overwhelmed. In some weird, bizarre way, I think it is my brain trying to protect me from overstimulation – at least in part.

Or maybe I just get so overwhelmed that it has to go somewhere.

I need to say this though, God has been dealing with me on this. He is helping me and healing me. My anxiety is not as bad as it used to be, but it can still be very difficult – as you will see here. Years ago He said He would heal me but He wanted me to keep one foot in the autism world because it was my ministry and part of His plan for me.

With that said, here we go.

It doesn’t help that I do not understand people and cannot read them at all. When someone speaks to me I can pick up a little of the tone but mostly I just hear their words.

I want you to understand that my biggest struggle with my “disability,” my autism, is people’s inability or refusal to understand, try to understand, or accept me as an autistic person. They keep trying to cram me into that neurotypical slot and I just don’t fit. I never will.

I try to meet them at least halfway, try to act neurotypical, but it really doesn’t work. Even if I am successful at it for a while it never lasts and I wind up in an autistic meltdown.

Those are never pretty.

That’s what happened today and I am about to bare myself to you here because you NEED TO UNDERSTAND that not everyone is like you! Different people have different points of reference!

I will say it again. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE YOU!

And your words can have extremely harmful, lasting effects whether you intend for them to or not.

I have a lot of trouble with masks. It causes severe sensory problems for me and I become extremely disoriented which leads to panic which leads to a terrible meltdown. Add to that it makes it very difficult to breathe and you have a recipe for disaster.

When I wear a mask, my blood pressure goes up – way up. This has been documented by more than one doctor. When the mask comes off, it goes back down. Wearing a mask LITERALLY puts me into a hypertensive crisis! Blood pressure that high can cause a stroke as well as organ damage.

THAT is what I put myself at risk for every single time I put on a mask.

COVID is a maybe, maybe not issue. I might get it, I might not. And if I got it I could have no symptoms or it could be severe. It could be nothing or it could be everything.

BUT

When I put on a mask, there is a 100% certainty that no matter what I do to try to calm myself I am going to experience the disorientation, the panic, the severe anxiety, and my blood pressure is going to rise to very dangerous levels. Every single time I put on a mask I am flirting with the very real possibility that I will have a stroke.

I know this for a fact. Every. Single. Time.

To me, that makes my wearing a mask much more serious and harmful than not wearing one. You cannot make a blanket requirement without taking into account people with special needs whose medical conditions could make it riskier for them to wear a mask than not to wear one.

Some people could be put in life threatening situations my wearing a mask.

I am one of those people and the one size fits all mask mandate or requirement or whatever puts my life at risk every time I am forced to comply.

What you have to understand is that there are exceptions to every rule.

I am that exception. I am not alone. There are others.

If you go to the CDC website, they DO NOT advocate EVERYONE wearing a mask. They list several issues that exempt a person from wearing a mask. Go ahead, visit their site and scroll down the WHO SHOULD NOT WEAR A MASK.

Many of those issues are like mine. The risks associated with wearing a mask are much more significant than not wearing one.

Wearing a mask can kill me and if I continue to expose myself to it chances are it will. That is just the reality of my situation.

And I am sorry, your fear is not worth my life. It just isn’t. If you see me somewhere without my mask and that scares you, stay away from me. It is just that simple.

Why am I saying all of this?

Well, today was a rough day. I had my final pre-op appointment this morning. I got there on time, was ready and planned to get in and out quickly to minimize my mask time (It is policy there that everyone has to wear a mask – I had no choice).I had explained my problem with masks to my doctor but I am not sure she fully understood.

She understands now.

The nurse was doing the regular questions and vitals. She took my blood pressure. My husband and I had explained to her the problem I have with the mask and told her that my BP would likely be elevated but it would return to normal after I got the mask off.

She took my BP and told me that I would have to get it lower or they would not do surgery.

I explained again about the mask and how it would go down once I could take the mask off.

Her reply was, “Well, you are going to have to get it down because they won’t do your surgery if it’s high.

“Now, my surgery is in two days so it isn’t like I can go on blood pressure meds for this – I don’t have high blood pressure anyway.

The way she was talking to me it felt like she was blaming me for my mask issue. I felt like she didn’t believe me or thought I could control it. I might be wrong but that is how she made me feel.

I started to explain again (Remember, autism – I am still trying to reason to help her understand what is going on with me) and she kept arguing about me getting control of my blood pressure.

It was so frustrating because I felt like she wasn’t hearing me.

Then she said, “If you don’t like wearing a mask then you need to stay at home.

“Now, in my autistic brain, I started thinking about being at the doctor. I HAVE to be here. Does she think I should have stayed home and not come to the doctor’s office because of my mask phobia? Does she think I should not be here? Is she telling me that if I can’t wear a mask then I should not be at the doctor’s office?

I don’t know what she meant, but it sounded really bad to me. It sounded like she wanted me to go away.

That’s when the meltdown started. I said, “Please stop talking to me.

“And I told my husband that I wanted to go home. He said he understood but I had not seen the doctor yet.

She was quiet for a minute, typing something in the computer, then she said, “I have to ask you these questions. It’s my job.

“She did not say it in a kind, soft way. She said it in a hard, clipped way. It sounded like she was angry.

I don’t know if she was or not, but again, I can only look at the world through my own lens. I can only process information with the equipment that I have and that is limited by the autism. I don’t what if she was angry or offended but she sounded like it to me.

It was too much. Everything was just too much. It felt like the room closed in on me and I had this overwhelming urge to run away, to get away. But at the same time I knew I needed to see the doctor so I was trying to stay.

Then I knew I was about to have a severe panic attack. I knew I couldn’t run outside because that was too far and too many doors to go through.

I asked where is the bathroom? She gave me verbal directions. My verbal processing is already pretty bad but when I am in a meltdown, it is almost nonexistent.

I was asking where the bathroom was and no one was directing me. Then another nurse pointed and I ran in there, closed the door and hyperventilated for several minutes. When I could get some breaths in I started trying to slow my breathing so I could calm down.

When the nurse had taken my BP it has been 190/98 which is high but it was the result of the stress from the mask. When I was having the panic attack, I am sure it was much higher.

My husband knows how to handle me so he left me alone for a few minutes, then tapped on the door and asked if I was OK.

Of course I said NO.

But I came out and he helped me back to the room. My doctor came in and talked to me about my BP. After seeing a full blown autistic meltdown I am pretty sure she has a different perspective of sensory processing disorder and autism.

People can hear about it or read about it but until you live it you can’t really understand. She didn’t experience it but she witnessed it and in that respect I guess it was a good thing because she has a much better idea of what I deal with and how my autism affects me.

The nurse did not speak another word to me.

My doctor seemed very compassionate. People react differently and she seemed like she didn’t realize until right then.

I can be sort of normal or at least act like it but that doesn’t mean that I am.

It just means I can act like it for a while. But no one can see my insides and what is going on in there. On the outside I might appear neurotypical but on the inside I am still autistic and don’t understand a lot of the interactions I am having.

I do that for the other person’s comfort, not my own because it is NOT comfortable. It is hard and painful and upsetting.

Today was traumatic and it is taking a very long time for me to return to normal. But I wanted to share this with you because when you see people in the stores who don’t have on a mask, when you meet someone who doesn’t act like you think they should, please be kind.

You don’t know their story. You haven’t walked in their shoes.

You can’t see their insides.

Please, please save your judgmental or hateful comments and keep them to yourself.

CHOOSE GRACE!

One day you could be in their shoes and I am sure you would want others to treat you with the same respect I am asking from you now.

Today was very traumatic for me but it didn’t have to be.

Please, take more time to try to understand than you do to try to be right.

31 Days of Praise for Depression – Now On Sale!

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31 Days of Praise for Depression Interactive Devotionals for Spiritual Healing

31 Days of Praise for Depression: Kindle version – $0.99 May 5 – May 7.

Paul and Silas were in prison; they began to praise God. Suddenly there was a great earthquake and immediately their bonds were loosed.

Do you need an immediately?

Depression is bondage but you can be free from that prison. Praising God ushers in His presence and where His light is, darkness cannot be.

From May 5 until May 7, the Kindle version of 31 Days of Praise for Depression is just $0.99

From May 8 until May 12, the price goes up to $2.99.

This is still a great savings, it is regularly $6.95!

Get your copy today!

She let me Dare to Dream

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For most people, their memories of high school are marked with friends, parties, football games, dances, and sweethearts. Not me. In the entire four years I attended three dances, went to no parties, made it to a couple of football games, didn’t really have any friends, and my whole two sweethearts didn’t go to my school. Though I didn’t show it, I was alone and very lonely. However, there were a handful of teachers who gave me a little room to dream, maybe even believe. One of them was my English teacher, Beverly Koepp.

For the most part my teachers didn’t push much. I was smart, no doubt about it – but I was not engaged. I didn’t have that spark the other students had, the social energy that drew them to each other, made them interested in their high school conversations, that pulled people into their orbit. I would watch, wondering what it felt like to belong.

Even the not so cool kids had each other. I had no one and even the teachers who reached out eventually just stopped and let me go on my way, alone. I was making good grades so I was doing “well.” My social abilities were a low priority. Terms like “loner” and “introvert” were used to describe me. While accurate, these labels left a gaping hole in my human interactions – and my humanity.

What they didn’t know is that I was met with the same frustration in every aspect of my life, especially at home. I didn’t even feel like I belonged there. I really was a loner, an introvert and I didn’t think, act, or present myself like the other kids.

Writing became my friend, my passion, the one thing I had to do or I would just die. It was the one thing that I knew would never leave me, bully me, or abandon me. I ached to pursue my one true love, but most of the adults in my life were quick to discourage it – as a career anyway. I am sure they thought they were doing it in my best interest, but each time they suggested an “alternative career” and discouraged me from a writing career, a little bit more of me seemed to die.

Don’t get me wrong, they didn’t do it to intentionally quash a young girl’s dreams of being a writer. They were not being cruel. They thought they were being practical. They thought they were protecting me. See, I never was like the other kids. I was the social misfit; the outcast. I never really fit in with my peers, was definitely not like the other kids, and no one – my family included – really knew what to do with me.

It would be many years until I sat across from that doctor with the kind face who finally named the part of me that made me so very different, so very alone – Asperger’s Syndrome. To find out I was on the autism spectrum answered so many questions; my world finally made sense. But that is another story for another time, although it makes the one I am telling you now all the more remarkable. This incredible teacher, as far as I know, did not know I was autistic yet she did so many things right. Things she did as I sat in her classroom helped to lay a foundation for my success.

In those school years, especially high school, even I was wondering what was wrong with me. Perhaps Mrs. Koepp sensed I had a secret that even I didn’t yet know. I doubt she suspected autism; it wasn’t as well-known as it is now, unless the patient was a profound case. Still, she treated me in such a way that my different way of thinking, the very things that were autistic in me, were celebrated and used. She never said I wasn’t trying hard enough. She never said I was lazy. As far as I can tell, she was never even frustrated with me. She never asked me to change, only to use what I had, what I was, to its very best. She pushed me to be the best me possible, whatever that looked like.

Best of all, she let me write. Her comments were very direct, honest, and thoughtful. I remember writing something once and she commented that it was “dark” but at the same time, she gave me guidance for exploring that darkness, bringing it to life. She encouraged me to explore the darkness of my solitude, of not fitting in, of being an outsider, and she taught me how to put those feelings into words on a page.

I am still in touch with Mrs. Koepp today and she is still a teacher. She loves every one of “her kids” and celebrates their unique differences. I had some good teachers throughout my academic life, but she was one of the best. She took the time to find out what touched me and inspired me. She encouraged me in ways that she likely doesn’t even realize.

I’ve always hating being singled out and public praise would make me cringe. She had a special finesse though that made it feel good. She would hold one of my papers and tell the class how well it was written, giving the high points, but her voice would always be so matter of fact like it was no surprise to her. Many people, well-meaning as they may be, often give enthusiastic public praise in a tone that implies they can’t believe you actually accomplished whatever it is you did well, to me anyway.

Mrs. Koepp never did that though. She never acted surprised and I always felt that she expected me to do well so each time I tried to be just a little better – because I knew that was what she expected from me. She had me raising the bar for myself because I wanted to meet her expectations of me even though she never once directly told me that she had any – I just knew. As a result, I started expecting more of myself.

Today I am a full time writer. I’ve written books and articles. I write for clients and help them market their businesses. I have certain standards that I have set for myself, standards that were first formed as I sat in an English classroom as a shy, awkward, outcast, withdrawn teenage girl.

Yes, Mrs. Koepp taught me English and I am a better writer today because of it. She taught me much more than that though. She was one of the first and few teachers to see potential in the weird kid sitting in her classroom – and who turned the mirror around so I could see it for myself. Not every student has a clear cut reason for being who they are or for doing what they do, but each one has a story. Good teachers accept it but great teachers teach those students to embrace it and use it. That is what Mrs. Koepp did for me. She was a true blessing. She let me dare to dream and today I am a much better me because of it.

I don’t Need to be Fixed – I’m Just Autistic

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aspergers feelings

Asperger’s is now called High Functioning Autism

I know it’s Autism Awareness Month, but I don’t think awareness is enough.

Ignorance is the worst thing that ever happened to autism. I am not using the term “ignorance” in a derogatory way, but in its truest definition – lack of knowledge or education – about autism.

I find that even with this “Autism Awareness Month” the vast majority of the population is still ignorant of autism.

And really, that is understandable. It is hard to understand something that you haven’t lived – at least in terms of autism. How do you relate to someone who has such severe sensory processing disorder that a bright glare, a noise, or an odor can send them into a tailspin? You can’t, not really – unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Sure, you can empathize, but you can’t really understand just what it does when those lights are too bright or the noise is too loud or the odor is too strong.

Autism is a way of being – a different way of being. It’s a different brain, different neurological wiring.

Since when was being different a bad thing?

The way I see it, we are just another color in the box.

Why should I be made to feel like I have to change the very essence of who I am just so I will fit into society? Why is it OK For people to tell me that  should I change who I am to make them more comfortable? Why should I be made to feel like I don’t belong anywhere unless I am fixed or healed first?

And I couldn’t change anyway, no matter how hard I tried. And I have. I tried. I spent years hating myself because I was an outcast. I was different. I didn’t belong. But my brain will always be my brain – my autistic brain.

That’s right, I am autistic.

I am also tall, have blue eyes, and like to read. If those things are OK, then why is it not OK for me to have a brain that is wired differently from most people?

I am sorry if my autism makes you uncomfortable – sorry for you.

Instead of looking at the things that are different about me, the things you think are wrong, negative, or that make you uncomfortable (or even offend you), why not try looking at the good things about me?

Why not look for those positives and celebrate autism?

Yeah, we may not understand each other sometimes and I may say or do things that you think are odd, but why not try stepping outside of your comfort zone and looking at it from another perspective?

See, the people who accept me the best, accept my “autistic self” with all its social awkwardness and SPD and even meltdowns, are the ones who stopped framing me by their own point of reference. They put aside their preconceived notions about what a person is supposed to be, how they are supposed to act, and they said, “OK, she’s different, so what?”

They tossed out their rigid ideas of what it means to be normal. They took themselves, their own ideas, beliefs, and opinions, out of the equation. They stopped thinking in terms of that self centered perspective that, well, most people do. I think they call that human nature.

But even human nature can be altered or set aside for important things.

They accepted my reality and they accepted my version of normal. Yeah, there’s been a learning curve (and a lot of frustration on both sides), but I leave the floor wide open for questions – and I answer a lot of them.

I see it like this. We’re all in this autism acceptance thing together. Yes, there is some effort required on your part to seek out understanding, or the information you need to initiate understanding. But how can I expect you to take those steps if I’m not willing to meed you halfway? How can I expect you to do all the work if I am not willing to answer your questions and provide explanations – to help you understand? I can’t. That wouldn’t be fair.

So I do answer questions. I try to help people understand. I try to help them get to a place of acceptance. We don’t have to be best friends. In fact, I am much more comfortable spending the greater portion of my time alone. However, we do have to exist in this world together and I really thing that if you gave it a chance you would see that autism offers some beautiful, wonderful gifts.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again. God puts blessings in some of the most unexpected places – and one of those places is autism.

So please, I don’t need to be fixed or cured because I am not broken or sick – and I don’t want that anyway. I am not defective just because I am not like you. I am different because God wanted to give us a big, bright, beautiful world that is full of a lot of different flavors. Autism is just one of the more exotic ones. 🙂

Time Perception Disorder

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Now Clock TPD
Time Perception Disorder.
I have it.

I am autistic and it is part of the package (many autistics experience this, so my neurologist says).

I have no concept of time. One minute feels the same as one hour. Intellectually, I know that time has passed, but I don’t know how much.
I don’t know what time feels like.

Time moves separate from me, there is no connection. I can look at the clock and see that an hour has gone by or five minutes or whatever, but it all feels the same. This makes it really hard when I have to go somewhere or when I have a deadline. I do keep a timer at my workstation at home so I can set it when I am in a time crunch or when time is important.

Otherwise, time just does not hold much significance to me. I work until I am finished. I take a break until I feel rested. I don’t set an alarm to wake in the morning although I sometimes ask my husband to wake me when he gets up. Usually I just wake on my own without any help. I am definitely not a clock watcher.

Some people spend their entire lives trying to get out from under the clock. I have never been there. I never needed that escape.

My own research indicates that this “time perception disorder,” if you will (I don’t know what else to call it), tends to accompany certain conditions such as neurological disorders, autism, epilepsy, traumatic brain injury, Parkinson’s, and mental health issues like depression and bi polar disorder. Also, it seems that some people experience this intermittently while others have it all the time.

I fall into the latter group and I’ve had it my entire life. I have no perception of time.

It seems to go hand in hand with temporal issues and cognitive function that has gone a little haywire. I do have some cognitive issues; verbal processing is a biggie for me.

Also, all my memories are the same in feeling and experience – like an old photograph. Apparently, this is unusual as well. People say they have “vivid memories, like it was yesterday.” I don’t. All my memories look and feel the same – agewise. A memory from something that just now happened feels the same as a memory from something in my childhood.

Death and hurtful events don’t upset me like they do most people. When I experience them they almost instantly become familiar – like I have experienced them long ago. I am almost accustomed to them so they don’t throw me off like they do many people. That is because time is not relevant to me – it simply is not there.

There isn’t much out there, much information on this. In fact, some people think it isn’t even real. This causes problems because people who don’t have the condition just expect me to be able to process time like a “normal” person – they don’t understand the struggle I have with it. When I don’t perform as the expect me to, in regard to my time perception, they get very upset. Most are not aware that this is a very real condition. Some would say time perception disorder is debilitating, but the debilitating part is in the fact that people who don’t experience it don’t understand, don’t try to understand, and don’t believe it is real.

So is it real? You bet it is! I am living proof. However, if you know someone who experiences this – and they do not have a neurological or psychiatric condition – you may want to have them get checked out since it does not seem to travel alone.

I am not a doctor, but I do have the condition. Yes, it’s a real thing – very, very real.

Scriptural Proof that Jesus is God

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Jesus God in Flesh

Many people believe that God is actually three persons: the father, the son, and the Holy Ghost. It is a common belief. Unfortunately, it is not rooted in scripture. In fact, scripture says just the opposite.

The Bible very clearly says and shows that Jesus is God.

One of the first things that people will say when presented with this Biblical truth is to present Matthew 28:19 “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.”

Notice that the says the NAME – singular, one name.

Jesus is the name. Father, Son and Holy Spirit are offices or modes of operation.
I am a mother, a daughter and a writer – but my name is still Stephanie in each of those offices. There is only ONE of me (and I am sure people everywhere are grateful of that!), I am not three persons or three separate entities.

It is also worthwhile to note here that God is not a name. Some say God the father, God the son, God the Holy Ghost, but God is an office. That is like saying President the father, President the son, President the Holy Ghost. It doesn’t make sense. It has to be the name and there is only ONE name – Jesus.

Genesis 1:26 is another popular verse that is often used to “prove” that there are three, but I explain that in “Let ‘Us’ make man in ‘Our’ image” – What?.

I have more than 55 verses that show Jesus is God.

This is all according to SCRIPTURE. If you doubt or don’t understand, you need to get into the Word and STUDY. You also need to pray for a revelation of truth. Only God can reveal this to you. All I can do is open the door and lay out the scripture for you to study.

There are not three gods. There is only ONE God.

Let’s start with John 1:1-14 which clearly says that the Word was God and the Word became FLESH and walked among us. That is Jesus. God came to this world as Jesus to save us.

Jesus is God manifest in flesh.

Another verse that is very clear is John 10:30 JESUS said, “I and my father are ONE.” And Jesus is not a liar. Even those crucifying Him realized that He was God in flesh.

Now let’s look at how it isn’t possible for there to be three instead of one.

If Jesus was the ‘son of God’ in the way that WE are sons and daughters, then the fact that the Holy Spirit overshadowed Mary and she conceived should make Him the Holy Spirit’s son. The logic doesn’t add up. There can’t be three.

In Acts 10 we read the story of Cornelius. That is a good one to read because is also serves as an example of what we need to do to be saved (baptism in Holy Ghost evidenced by speaking in tongues and water baptism in Jesus name). But that is not why I am directing you to this scripture now.

Read down to verse 25. When Peter came to Cornelius’ house he fell down and worshiped Peter. However, in  verse 26, Peter told him to stand because he was also just a man.
This was the right thing for Peter to do because in Exodus 20:3 GOD said that we are to have no other gods before Him. We are not to worship any other than God.

However, when Jesus walked the earth, people fell at His feet and worshiped Him all the time – and He never corrected them.

But we are only supposed to worship GOD, right?

So why did Jesus allow it? Was He in sin? No, He is God.

Now let’s look at some pretty powerful scripture.

Matthew 1:23 says that Jesus’ name, Immanuel, means “God with us.”

Isaiah 44:24 says that God alone created the world.
However, John 1:3 and Colossians 1:16 say that JESUS created EVERYTHING.
Hmmm…if they are two separate entities or “gods” then something isn’t lining up.

Isaiah 43:10-11 GOD said that before Him there was no god formed, nor after. He also said that besides HIM there is NO SAVIOR.
Who is our savior?
Revelation 1:17-18 and Revelation 2:8 say that Jesus is the first and the last.

Isaiah 44:6 says that GOD is our redeemer.
2 Peter 1:1 says that JESUS is our redeemer. Did something change when I wasn’t looking?
Oh, and in 2 Peter 1:1 it also refers to “our GOD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST.”

In John 20:28 Thomas called Jesus “My Lord and My GOD.”
Was Thomas addled or confused? I don’t think so, otherwise Jesus would have corrected him or they would have left that part out of the Bible altogether.

Acts 20:28 says that GOD purchased us with His own blood. How is that possible? First, God is a spirit and spirits don’t have blood. BUT if that spirit comes to walk among us manifest in flesh (Jesus – go back to John 1:14) then it is quite easy for Him to shed blood for us.
And it was Jesus who shed His blood for us – but it was God.
Revelation 1:5-6 and Revelation 5:9-8 say that Jesus’ blood purchased us.

There are more but this is enough for now. I will gladly share more with anyone who truly wants to know and understand. In other words, if you are truly hungry and don’t just want to fight I will be more than happy to share all the information that I have on this Biblical truth.

Scripture for Studying out the Oneness of God

  • John 1:1-14
  • John 10:30
  • Acts 10
  • Matthew 1:23
  • Isaiah 44:24, John 1:3, Colossians 1:16
  • Isaiah 43:10-11, Revelation 1:17-18, Revelation 2:8
  • Isaiah 44:6, 2 Peter 1:1
  • John 20:28
  • Acts 20:28, Revelation 1:5-6, Revelation 5:9-8

Mean Christians

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I have seen a trend recently on here where people are cutting folks off of their friends list because they don’t comment or interact. They say that in order to be their friend you have to comment and interact. And these are Christian people doing this.

Not all people comment, but many people read. You never know what ‘quiet’ person you are impacting.

I have learned this myself. I never remove people from my friends list unless they are a problem – and they it has to be a pretty big problem.

You have people watching you that you don’t even realize they are doing so. I have learned to be very careful; you may be the only Jesus they are exposed to.

But when presented with this, their hearts remain hard. They say they don’t want anyone watching them. I am sorry, but this is not Biblical. The Bible tells us that we are to be an EXAMPLE to others. When we made the decision to live for Christ we signed on to a pretty big and important job.

It is our job, our duty, to reach the lost. It is our JOB to lead others to Him, not shut them out because they don’t express themselves according to some set of parameters that we have in place. You cannot escape this job no matter where you go. You are either filled with the Holy Ghost and live a holy life (the best you can of course) ALL THE TIME or you don’t do it at all. God does not compromise!

I have seen people who are quiet (like me) contrasted by people who are ‘alive.’ That is not a fair comparison. People who are quiet are not dead. That is a very mean spirited assessment.

I have also seen Christians assume that quiet people do not pray or communicate. That again is not true and certainly not fair. I am a very quiet person but my relationships do not suffer. I pray daily – without ceasing. I have a strong, very good marriage – better than most. But being a quiet person I tend to think about things, take time to process them. I know I am not the only one.

But it isn’t all about me (although I do read a lot of peoples’ posts without commenting – I am autistic so I don’t always know what to say – but I do read). And like it or not people are watching you too. What kind of example are you setting? Some of the people I read, I would be afraid to walk through the door of their church. So many are judgmental and so hard. Where is the Christ like love that Jesus said we should have for one another?

Where is the operation of the body that draws people in – especially those no one else wants? And, yes, even the quiet ones?

What about the people who may not be in the same spiritual place as we are?

Do we reject them all? Do we shun them? That isn’t what my Bible says we should do.

I know in my own experience I have had people contact me who have been reading me for years – people I never knew – who have said that what I wrote had an impact on them.

I have even had several who have reached out to me after reading to ask questions, seeking a deeper relationship with God. I have done Bible studies online and on the phone. I have helped several find churches in their area, they have been baptized in Jesus name, received the Holy Ghost. It has been beautiful.

I am not saying this to be boastful, just to illustrate the importance of being very careful what you say and do and especially how you treat others.

But that is just me, how I operate. I understand that isn’t for everyone. It is my own personal conviction that when I made the decision to live for God that I would let Him shine through me – in fact I pray for that every day. It is my own personal conviction to reach others, to influence and plant seeds no matter what that looks like – even if it means putting things out there and no one responds.

I don’t need an ego boost. I don’t need people responding to everything I write. I don’t do it for my ego. I do it for God.

I guess I just see things a little differently. For me, living for God is full time and it isn’t done on my terms. I gave my life over to Him and I just do as He directs. I have seen enough people hurt by what I assume is unintentional rejection by their Christian brothers and sisters – I have even been there myself, hurt.

So many have what looks like lofty attitudes but really I believe that they have just forgotten that not everyone is at the same spiritual place that they are. They simply need to be reminded (at least I hope that is all it takes).

There are a lot of hurting people who need to feel accepted and if we don’t draw them in hell sure will.

The TRUTH about Once Saved Always Saved

There are some people, Christians, who believe that if you are “saved” at some point in your life then you are “saved” forever. I won’t go into the fact that their plan for salvation is usually inaccurate and that true salvation means that they must be baptized in Jesus name and filled with the Holy Ghost – I am just addressing the once saved always saved issue and why we need to repent daily.

Revelation 2:10-11 clearly says that we are to be faithful to God until death in order to make it into the Kingdom. So backsliders and those who are unrepentant are not going to make it – not if you are going by what the Bible tells us.

There are so many scriptures that tell us there are those who will not see the Kingdom – and there are no qualifiers that say, well, if you were baptized when you were 12 this doesn’t apply to you. No, it applies to everyone. Unrepented sin is unrepented sin, simple as that.

According to Romans 8:13, if you are living according to your flesh (your sinful nature) you will perish (go to hell) but if you are overcoming the sins of the flesh (repentance) you will live (inherit the Kingdom).

God promised that those who love Him will be heirs to His Kingdom (James 2:5). If you love Him, you will keep His commandments (John 14:15). So if you don’t keep His commandments (and not just the 10 – Jesus taught us a lot in the short time He walked this earth) then you don’t love him and if you do not love him then you don’t know God (1 John 4:8). If you don’t know God, then you can’t be one of His and be an heir to His kingdom.

Finally, on the subject of daily repentance, when Jesus gave the disciples what is referred to as the Lord’s Prayer, it was a template of how we are to pray. It provided all the elements that we are to address when we pray.

Now, when we understand that we are to pray daily – actually pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17) – then that right there should tell us that we are to repent daily and regularly. Just as we should also be forgiving other and praising Him daily.