Jesus’ Healing Touch – Taken from my book “More Fringe”

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Christ, Christian Aspie, Christian Living, Christianity, God, Healing, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Jesus healing, prayer, Religion and Spirituality

chapter 8

Jesus’ Healing Touch  

¹⁰ After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
~1 Peter 5:10

I have come to learn that tears are healing. They mean that God is working on something in you or someone you are praying for. It is humbling to allow tears to fall and a display of submission when you allow God to humble you to the point you allow your tears to fall in front of people (Bible study, church, prayer).

As I was preparing to attend my first UPCI East Coast Women’s Conference, I felt overwhelmed. To put it mildly, I was a nervous wreck. I was not accustomed to being around a lot of people and if you are familiar with Spirit-filled Christians, we can be a lively bunch. I was concerned about the sensory overload I was almost certain to experience.

Most of all, though, I was concerned about how the change in routine would affect me. Change tends to upset me and exacerbate my negative reactions to sensory input. I would likely be singing songs I had never heard, much less knew. I would be attending services that would be different from the services I was accustomed to attending. I would be around a bunch of people I did not know and who did not know me.

I didn’t know if they would accept me or view me as some sort of weirdo. The enemy was really playing with me head, telling me that I was different, that I did not fit in with “those women.” He set me up to be rejected. In fact, in my mind I was rejected before I even got there.

As much as I want people to like me and accept me, though, the biggest issue for me was the change in routine. When things are “out of order” I get very disoriented, even dizzy. When things are out of order and it is very active with lots of noise, it leads straight to a meltdown.

The worse part, though, is that I get deep pains throughout my body, like electrical shocks. There is an “undercurrent” that pulses through my entire body, and pain “surfaces” in various areas, the location changing rather rapidly. It may go from leg to hand to neck to foot in a matter of seconds. It is as if my brain is trying to find or create the neural pathways that can manage that sensory overload.

It can be very uncomfortable, painful. I have been this way my entire life. Because of it, I have often avoided large crowds, events, even certain church functions.

As I prayed the morning I was to leave, though, Jesus spoke to me and if I hadn’t been cultivating a relationship with Him over time and stopped to listen I probably would have missed it. Daily prayer is so important!

He said, “I am healing you.” He didn’t say, “I will heal you” or “I am going to heal you,” He said, “I am healing you.” It was right then, right there, I was being healed as I sat on that bus praying.

I understood, in a flash, that the pain and disorientation are not the result of my being “broken” or defective. They come from healing. I was being healed.

I understood that my scars are not from my sin or my defects, but from my healing.

Jesus gave me permission to be distressed and to react to the discomfort and pain. But by powering through it (even if I cry or react in ways that exhibit my discomfort) I am allowing His healing to take place. And the next time it won’t be so bad. It will get better and better and easier and easier. I have to get there because He has shown me that one day I will be speaking before groups. I can speak in front of a group, but the socializing part terrifies me. This was His way of letting me know that He is in control and He won’t turn me loose on a crowd until I am ready.

If I had not had a prayer life I would not have understood that. If I hadn’t been filled with the Holy Spirit I would not have understood that. All of these things are like pieces of an intricate puzzle. They support each other and each has a place to fit. It takes work, though.

I got to the conference and it was just as loud and active as I thought it would be. And I did feel the pains, the shocks, but I knew what they were. By the end of the morning service on the second day, they were significantly less noticeable. I did not have the first problem with sensory overload.

I was in a room of 800 weeping, crying, wailing, travailing, dancing, praising yelling women and I did not experience the first instance of sensory overload. In fact, I was more focused on God, more in touch with him – and infinitely more grateful to his loving, healing touch.

At one point, in one of the services the Holy Spirit had broken out amongst the women and they were dancing, weeping, singing, yelling – it was very loud and very active. But I sat right there in the midst of it all, calm. I felt a hand on my right shoulder. My pastor’s wife and a friend were sitting behind me and I thought, “Oh, how nice! They are praying for me!”

But when I looked back, no one was there.

I still felt the hand and felt an arm across my shoulders.

Then I became aware of a peaceful, calming presence beside me, on my left – with His arm around me. I just leaned into that presence and, for the first time in my life, took in all the noise and lights and activity without any anxiety. Never had I been able to be in an environment like this without medication.

By the time we left to go home, I realized that I was looking people in the eye – something that had always been extremely difficult for me to do.

I never asked for this healing, but Jesus gave it to me anyway. I certainly did not deserve such a wondrous gift, but He gave it to me anyway.

From the book “More Fringe: My Growth as a Spirit-Filled Christian with Asperger’s Syndrome”

http://www.amazon.com/More-Fringe-Spirit-Filled-Christian-Aspergers/dp/1480031305

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Lord, Change Me

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Christ, Christianity, God, HolySpirit, Jesus, Lord, prayer, Religion and Spirituality

My husband and I pray each morning. We pray for our union, our church, our families. We pray for forgiveness. We praise God and He honors us with His presence.

And every morning I ask God to change me.

All that other stuff is great, necessary, but in our walk with Christ, one vital element should be growing in Him and becoming like Him. We should, on a regular basis, seek to be like Him.

Every morning I ask, “Lord, order my steps. Let my words be Your words, my actions be Your actions, my thoughts be Your thoughts. Kill off the things in me that are not pleasing to You and fill me with You. Make me like you.”

If we are not seeking to be like Jesus, we don’t stand a chance.

I know I have shared this before, but it is important enough that it needs to be addressed again – and again and again.

DAILY, we should be earnestly seeking to be like Jesus. We should be trying our hardest to be like Him. Our pleas, our prayers asking Him to make us like Him should not be just lip service. We must ask then live our lives as best we can to reflect that request. It isn’t enough to just ask, we must DO as well.

This isn’t always easy. It means killing the flesh, the pride, the rebellion, the deception, the lying to the world and ourselves about how “Christian” we are. There is more, but those things are more obvious. These are the little things that will trip you up and keep you from truly living for God.

You have to let Him in. This is not an optional thing, it MUST happen. You MUST be filled with the Holy Spirit, which means allowing God to be in you, live in you, direct your life. And when that happens, everything changes. YOU will be different. You will feel different and act different.

Today, right where you are, just pray, ask God to order YOUR steps, to be your words, your actions, your thoughts. Ask Him to fill you with Him, to fill you with the Holy Spirit (evidenced by speaking on other tongues).

Just ask, “God, change me.”

And He will.

Special Interest

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Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, autism, Autism spectrum, Christian Aspie, Christian Living, Christianity for Seekers, living for God, prayer, relationship with Jesus, Special Interest

I did not know that I had a “special interest.” I knew that many people with Asperger’s have “special interests” and they get upset when they can’t pursue it. It is very important to them and they get so involved in it that they forget everything else. They will talk and talk about it, explaining the particular interest in great detail and they often have an advanced knowledge of the interest.

I had heard about it, but did not think I had one. In fact, I was being evaluated by a doctor a year or so ago and he asked me, “Do you have a special interest?”

“No, I don’t think so,” I replied.

When I got home and told my husband, he laughed. I asked if I did, in fact, have a special interest. He said, “Are you kidding me? Take a look at all the books and magazines you have around here. What is the topic?”

Neuroscience, the brain. Oh.

But I have discovered that I have a special interest that I feel even stronger about than neuroscience – analytics.

I am an analyst on my job and I am fascinated in analyzing things. I can take very large amounts of data and organize it, analyze it, in my head. I put it on paper so others can understand (I got really tired of trying to explain things and people not understanding).

On my job, when I was working with people who utilized my strengths (and were nice to me) I would analyze data and do projections, provide analysis for creating plans and help organize projects and determine achievable benchmarks. While I still analyze data to a degree, it isn’t as it once was. I was actually challenged when they had me on the other projects. I still did my regular job, but I did these other projects as well.

I actually felt valued there – no more, though. Those people don’t value me at all. If I dropped off the face of the earth, no one would notice there. Managers, supervisors, leaders, take the time to identify the strengths in your employees and use them. Make your employees feel valued and appreciated. You will get much more out of them. Right now, I am not working to full capacity.

It is hard to work effectively when people are telling you that you are bad and they bully you. You are so afraid of making a mistake or making this person, who already doesn’t like you, even more angry at you, you can’t concentrate effectively on the task at hand.

But I want to talk about my special interest, or, more directly, how it affects me. Maybe you can understand better Aspies and special interests.

When I am working on an analysis, I hate to be interrupted. The books and articles say that we get “upset” when we are not able to pursue our special interest or when we are interrupted.

Well, that is saying it very mildly.

If I am working on my special interest and I have to stop, my mind won’t shift to the new task. It gets locked up like I described in “Stimming and the Loop.” I can’t stop thinking about it and I feel very anxious. My throat gets tight and it is hard to breathe. I also get very irritable. This is because I don’t like being interrupted and I want to continue doing my activity because it comforts me, makes me feel secure and stable.

Most of the time in the world I feel so out of place, but when I am pursuing my special interest I just fit. I fit in the world at that point in time. It is comfortable and secure and familiar. It is hard to make people understand this, though.

The irritability I feel comes from those feeling I have, as I described , when I am separated from my special interest. It is a feeling of disorientation and alienation. I feel out of place again and unsure of what is next. With my special interest, I always know what is next.

Sometimes, all I can do to get relief and stop feeling so anxious is to say, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,” over and over. I can’t form a more coherent thought than that. But calling out to Him helps because He calms that storm that starts churning inside. And I am always accepted by Him. I always fit and am never an outcast with Jesus.

There is comfort there. Jesus gives me peace. He can give you peace too, all you have to do is ask Him for it.

A Moment in History – Bin Laden is Dead

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Christian Aspie, Christian attitude, Christian Living, Evangelism, living for God, Osama bin Laden, prayer, relationship with Jesus, Religion and Spirituality, Sin

This has opened fresh the wounds of the loss we all suffered over these years that were incurred at his hand. I grieve for all the lives that were lost and the families that were torn apart.

Osama bin Laden is dead.

An icon in our history, a person who is responsible for great death, destruction and horror has finally been eliminated.

Yet I can find no joy in his death.

Last night as the story unfolded, I kept thinking of him as a person, a lost soul (and I don’t think he had a revelation prior to his death because I think we would have known about it – he would have done the right thing and faced his crimes if God had truly moved in him). Luke 6:32 says, “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.”

What this says is we are to love the sinner. We can hate the sin, but the sinner is still a human being with a soul – a soul Jesus died for – Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Just as Jesus died for those who persecuted Him and even beat Him and put Him to death, He died for this man.

We have all sinned and to God, sin is sin is sin because the results are the same – death – eternal damnation.

I do think that leaders are held to a certain degree of accountability because they influence nations, families, churches, classrooms. But still, we are given free will by our Creator which means that ultimately we are free to choose to follow those “leaders.” At the same time, we are free to choose God.

Those who stand in leadership, though, and propel their people toward eternal damnation are particularly heinous. And they are accountable.

They hold their own will above God’s will for their lives and the lives of those for whom they are responsible. They value control and power (or the perception of it) above living a righteous life, a life for Jesus. They have not surrendered to God’s will and they need to.

Surrendering to God’s will means giving up that control, that power and living according to His word, trusting Him to take care of and provide for them, for us.

And I still grieve the soul that is lost. I don’t grieve the loss of the person’s ability to commit more sin, hurt more people, take more lives and continue on his destructive path. But I do grieve the loss of his soul for it is gone forever into darkness.

There is nothing joyful about a person spending his or her eternity in Hell.

But if you don’t like people getting really upset with you and offended, don’t say these things in public or post them on places like FaceBook or Twitter.

What I think people don’t get here is that this world is temporary. It is like a movie set and when the movie is over the set will be torn down.

Eternity is what is real. God’s Word is the truth everlasting and that is what we should be focused on because that is eternal; what leads to salvation and eternity with Him.

When we give in to our baser human emotions and tendencies, rejoicing in death, in loss of souls, we lose a part of God inside of us and we are treading in dangerous territory.

But he is a sinner.

So are you. Let God deal with it.

Today I grieve all of the souls that have been and are lost, not just the ones I think are right and worthy.

That part isn’t my business (or yours) and it is sort of contradictory to the whole business of soul winning and my job as a follower of Jesus. After all, Jesus is the one who died so he could be saved. I am sorry he threw that precious, priceless away.

Can you separate the soul from the sinner? Can you look past the sin, hating it vehemently, yet mourn the soul that is love eternally?

Just remember, Jesus died for the sinner, not the sin.

I Always Fit Perfectly in God’s Family!

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Asperger syndrome, Autism spectrum, Christian Aspie, Christian Living, Christianity for Seekers, church, church family, family, living for God, Neurodevelopmental, prayer, relationship with Jesus, Religion and Spirituality

Somedays I feel like I am in a world that doesn’t quite fit, like shoes that aren’t quite my size. I can still get my foot in them, but they pinch and hurt and are uncomfortable.

That is how it feels a lot of the time here.

Somedays I feel like they (the NTs) are the aliens, but then I look around and see this world that feels like a hologram and I realize that I am the alien.

I walk past people and they look right through me as if they don’t see me. I move through crowds and it is as if I am not even there – or they aren’t because I move through so easily. I feel like I am in a world that is one big hologram and nothing is really real, the people, things, nothing.

I can hear them and see them, but there is no connection to them.

I am not talking about that “dream feeling,” I get that sometimes too. I think everyone does. It is a dissociation and is often related to stress. This is different and I have felt it my entire life.

When I do talk to people and they look at me I don’t know what their expressions mean. Do they wish I would shut up and leave them alone? Do they want me to quit talking? Do they think I am boring? Do they think I am interesting? Do they think I am strange? Do they think I am a waste of oxygen who does not deserve to live in their world? (I have been told this before – I just don’t know if it still applies)

One event can change the whole course of my day, my life. I don’t think people understand that aspect of Asperger’s. Then again, I don’t think people understand much about Asperger’s at all. There’s some good information out there. I found a link to a list of characteristics of Asperger’s. Some of the things relate to children, but a lot of it applies to both children and adults. If you ever wondered, this is a good list. Autism Characteristics

My husband is very good to me. He tells me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He says I am better suited to him than anyone he has ever known – and he says that he believes it is at least in part due to the Asperger’s.

He says that communication is never an issue between us because I always say exactly what is going on and what I am thinking and feeling. He never has to wonder like so many men do with their wives. He has gotten used to the candor, the complete honesty.

He has also gotten used to the meltdowns and frustration I experience. He helps me deal with it and says it is worth it and he doesn’t mind dealing with it. He likes to help me.

He likes that I put God first and have asked Him to kill the part of me that is of this world so that He can live in me and I can be like Him. He appreciates my commitment to God first, not church first or anything else.

My priorities: God, CW, Family, everything and everyone else.

So, I keep reading my Bible and learning what God wants from my life. I keep praying and keep communicating with God and listening to what He says to me.

Because no matter how different I am, I always fit perfectly in God’s family.

Are you Someone’s Scorpion?

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Christian Aspie, Christian attitude, Christian Living, Christian Walk, Christianity for Seekers, living for God, prayer, relationship with Jesus, Religion and Spirituality

It has gotten back to me that someone pulled some certain photos of me from my FaceBook profile. They did it for the sole purpose of highlighting the physical unattractiveness of the photo, of me. I know this because I have heard comments were made that I was “heavy.” They wanted to show how “unattractive” I look. I also know it because there were quite a few other photos that were of me not wearing a huge, baggy sweater and looking nicer (like the photo of my husband and me on our wedding day). So they just wanted to focus on the qualities that they perceive to be unattractive and to them, it seems, physical appearance is where at least a portion of a person’s worth lies.

People do this to each other all the time unfortunately.

My worth, however, does not lie in my physical appearance. Jesus thinks I am beautiful, so does my husband. They see the physical, but they see further, into my heart. That is all that matters. I am not my looks, my worth lies in something far more substantial, the salvation of my soul, the purity of my heart and the strength of my character.

I don’t care what they or anyone else thinks.

But these people, these scorpions, chose to focus on the things that they found unattractive. They chose to engage in gossip and revel in what they perceive to be my downfall instead of looking at all the wonderful things that God has done in my life (and in theirs – or could do in theirs).

Why do I call them scorpions? From a Biblical perspective, scorpions are the people who “sting” us either through their words or actions or just the way they treat us. This attempted “sting” was not done directly to me, but it got back to me. I feel sorry for them because they have allowed Satan to use them to try to bring me down, discourage me (they had to know that it would get back to me) and defeat me.

However, I have something that it seems they don’t know, don’t care or don’t understand. I have the protection and promise of Jesus Christ. He has given me the power to “tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy…(Luke 10-19). He has promised that nothing shall by any means hurt me.

I want that for them but I don’t know how to help them get it.

God has a lot to say about gossiping.

Proverbs 20:19, “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip.”

Romans 1:29, “…being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips…”

1Timothy 3:11, “Women must likewise be dignified, not malicious gossips, but temperate, faithful in all things.”

2 Timothy 3:3, “unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good…”

Titus 2:3, “Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good…”

I think that there are many, many people (not just these in particular) who need to heed the Word of God. They are walking in dangerous territory and playing a deadly game. They are selling their souls for a few moments of fleshly pleasure of gossip and maliciousness (or other things that are not Godly). The Bible gives clear direction for how we are to live our lives and treat others.

But those who choose to operate in league with the enemy have no dominion over me. I have authority granted me by God and I rebuke satan and those whom he recruits to do his work.

There are many people like this. They hold one hand to God, but cling tightly to this world. They may worship God, but it is a divided worship because they are worshiping the flesh as well through gossip and other sinful deeds or things that are not Godly.

It’s those little things that creep in, like gossip and pride and greed and envy. I catch myself sometimes talking about something and have to ask, “Is this gossip?” If there is no profit in what I say I stop. Pride can be confusing, but I don’t think I have a lot of that. I think that Asperger’s takes care of a lot of that. I just don’t care enough about those things. It isn’t built into me and I don’t understand it. In those ways, Asperger’s is a blessing. My husband is very good at explaining it all to me though.

Currently, I am facing discrimination on several levels including my disability (Autism/Asperger’s) in some areas of my life (I think much of the discrimination and unfair treatment, though, stems from ignorance. And I wonder just how much discrimination has been borne of ignorance?).

Satan has employed several malicious gossips at my job to try to beat me down. He has used people who profess to be Christians (but don’t act the way Jesus says we should act) to get close to me then betray me. He has pulled out all the stops in trying to get me to stop or at least falter in my walk with God. But it won’t work.

Again, these scorpions are trying to “sting” me to defeat me. But the devil can’t get to me no matter who he uses, whether it is family, friends, employer or even other Christians (or those who call themselves such).

No weapon formed against me will prosper. God promises me that in Isaiah 54:17. I can overcome satan no matter who or what he tries to throw my way.

I know that I am going in the right direction, doing the right things and gaining power and authority in the Kingdom of God.

I stand on the authority and power of Jesus Christ and no one, no one, can take that away from me. These people, these puppets of satan, can do what they like, try what they want, but they have no authority over me and they do not control my life or my salvation. Jesus is the only one who has that place in my life and I am not about to relinquish that.

All I can do is provide a positive example for them and continue praying for them.

Which side are you working for today? Are you being misled to operate for satan’s gain? Or are you truly walking in the light of God and following His word?

Are you someone’s scorpion?

Awakening 21 – Day 2

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Christian Aspie, Christianity, Fasting, living for God, prayer, Prayer and Fasting, relationship with Jesus, Spiritual gift

Well this is day two of my prayer and fasting and it appears that the devil is getting busy. I don’t think he likes this too much. I have had a rather trying 24 hours.

First, my husband got sick – really sick. He was violently ill all last night which means I sat up and worried about him all night. I did what I could for him (which wasn’t much) and did not get to sleep until around 3 am. I was up at 4 am.

I went to work and it seemed that things just weren’t going right. At first I chalked it up to my being exhausted and possibly a little irritable, but then I logged onto my profile at Chazown.com (it is a great website that takes you through a series of exercises to help you find your spiritual gifts and discover God’s purpose for you). I had gotten about halfway through the whole process, but when I logged on this evening, it looks like someone hacked into my account. Most of the information is not mine, very different and parts I had not done are completed – not by me.

I had gotten to the part about what my spiritual gifts are:

Writing

Wisdom

Knowledge

Faith

Mercy/Compassion

 

But I had gotten no farther and now the whole thing is messed up.

I don’t exactly appreciate the devil interfering with my prayer and fasting, my spiritual growth. But I won’t be discourage that easily. LOL If the site doesn’t get straightened out I’ll just sign up with another email address and start over! Once I make up my mind to do something the ONLY ONE who can stop me is GOD. I have a dogged determination that will outlast any adversary.

This chazown.com is part of my prayer and fasting – I want to know what God’s purpose is for me. I WILL find out and I WILL complete the exercises, one way or another.

So, even with all the distractions, here is my S.O.A.P. for Day 2:

Scripture: Today one of my devotionals in my email was this:

Instruct all the skilled craftsmen whom I have filled with the spirit of wisdom. Have them make garments for Aaron that will distinguish him as a priest set apart for my service.

Exodus 28:3

 

The tailors who made Aaron’s garments were given wisdom by God in order to do their task. All of us have special skills. God wants to fill us with his Spirit so we will use those skills for his glory.

 

Think about your special talents and abilities. What ways could you use them for God’s work in the world? As you focus on helping and giving to others, God will show you the best ways to do it and give you wisdom to accomplish the task.

 

Observation: Now, after reading that I knew that there is NO WAY you can tell me that I am not going in the right direction with this fast. God is already moving in my life, guiding me, directing me and showing me where to go, what to do. I will continue to be obedient to HIM and NO ONE can hinder my faithfulness and submissiveness to Him.

 

Application: I will continue to fast and pray and seek God’s guidance for my life. When I commit to something I tend to commit wholeheartedly. I am always the one who people say goes above and beyond – I even won an award at work for my “above and beyond service.” I will do whatever my God wants from me and I will do it with everything inside of me. I never stop and “just good enough” because “just good enough” is mediocre. I like “excellent,” “outstanding” and “awesome.”

 

What if God gave us His “just good enough” and that was all?

 

Prayer: I have prayed about this journey and will continue to do so. I prayed all night for my husband – good thing we don’t have a prayer quota and can only pray so much each day! I’d be in real trouble!

 

Looks like I need to pray for protection as well now that I see I am under attack. I wonder if anyone else doing this 21 day plan is experiencing any interference?

Awakening 21 – Day 1

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Christian Aspie, Christian Living, Christian music, Christian radio, God, Holy Spirit, KLOVE, living for God, prayer, relationship with Jesus

Today was my first day fasting. I did email, but no FaceBook games.

I’m OK with it too.

I came home and cooked dinner for my husband and me. After we ate, I cleaned the kitchen and we watched a movie. Quality time that I could devote all of my attention to the movie and my husband instead of dividing my time between FB games and movie and husband.

It was nice.

Anyway, that is my little recap of Day 1. So, for the S.O.A.P. method, this is what I think:

Scripture:  My literature said to read Genesis 7. It was about Noah and the flood. God took care of him and his family. I found it interesting to read.

Observation:  I devoted more time and attention to my husband and got off of the computer. I can feel the words inside me beginning to stir. I think that God has more writing work for me to do – I’ve been thinking that for a while. But I am really starting to feel it.

Application: I think it will take a day or two for things to start coming together, at least for me. I have been praying though. I prayed a lot today. This afternoon the President had a national moment of silence for the victims of the Tuscon, AZ shooting. I tuned in to KLOVE (a Christian radio station that streams their program online) and listened to a preacher lead a prayer. It was good.

I also decided to listen only to Christian music for the 21 days. I had a really good time listening to it today. It made me feel so good! I felt the Holy Spirit move over me and at one point I was singing and raising hands and praising God – all at my desk at work. It was awesome!

Prayer: I prayed this afternoon and I will pray before I go to bed, sort of end the day with a prayer.

So, all in all, I think Day 1 went well. It may not be like some people do it, but I am not like some people, not even like most people. And I have to do what works for me.

I think God understands.

Awakening – First Day Overview

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Christian Aspie, Christian Living, Christianity for Seekers, living for God, prayer, Prayer and Fasting, relationship with Jesus, S.O.A.P.

So, this is day one of my 21 days of prayer and fasting. I have been reading the literature and I have been praying about it. I think I have a good grasp of how to proceed. What I get from my reading is that I don’t necessarily have to not eat. What I have to do is give up something, make changes and seek God, seek to draw closer to Him.

But what I do, give up, must be challenging. It must cause me to push myself, cause some sort of discomfort. But for me, just making changes will be challenging and I don’t think that is what they mean. But if I make too many changes at once or too drastic changes, I will go into overload and have a meltdown. I don’t do well with changes in my life, I need structure.

I am attempting to combat this by documenting everything. I made a work schedule for myself this morning so that every moment is assigned a task. I also created a food journal because part of my fasting is giving up dark sodas (or pretty much all sodas, but I sometimes drink a little Ginger Ale to settle my stomach so I have made provisions for that). I will also make the significant change of making my diet healthier (this isn’t fasting, but it is challenging and it will be an effort on my part as well as affect my body and spirit, healthwise).

I also made a budget because I am going to fast from indiscriminate spending. Sometimes I get things and realize that I like other things later (mostly cleaning products). I already have certain brands and types of toilet paper, toothpaste and paper towels that I always get, no matter what. It helps to keep me from spending a lot of time debating and thinking about my decisions or choices on which type to get. It is very hard. So I am going to settle on ALL products that I bring into my home for cleaning, cooking and keeping our home nice so that I don’t get a bunch of stuff I don’t need.

I don’t spend money on clothes, not much anyway, because I only shop at thrift stores and I am starting to make my own clothes. I do spend a little to buy decent shoes, though, because feet are important, they carry your everywhere.

I buy things for the people I love and I do things for people. I won’t stop that. I will make cuts somewhere else, maybe in buying my books and magazines.

I am also making a schedule for my home time. I am going to not be on the computer so much. I think I need to sew more, do things with my hands. I also need to write more, but that is on the computer. I think that is OK, though, because I feel that this writing is something God is placing on my heart. I also will check and respond to email because that is how I mostly communicate, but I will create a specific time slot and stick to that.

Maybe no FaceBook games during the week, only on the weekend. I don’t know, I will have to think about that. Maybe not at all.

The handout they gave us uses a neat method called the S.O.A.P. method. I like that (I like structure) so I will follow that – at least for now.

So, this is my overview. It is just the beginning and I know it seems a little scattered, but I have to make small changes a little at a time and keep things very, very structured, even more structured than usual.

I have to rent a carpet cleaner.

I will have to do this longer than 21 days, though, because new studies are indicating that it can take 9 weeks and even several months to form a habit. Neuroscientists are finding that it takes longer than originally thought to form habits. But even if you mess up a day or two, if you get right back to it, you don’t really lose time, don’t really mess up those neural pathways that are being carved into your brain.

So if you are doing a fast to change the way you live, you need to be prepared to do it for longer than a couple of weeks. It might take longer, it depends on you, your brain and what you are trying to change.

I will write more this afternoon about Day 1 of my fast. I will tell you more about how I am using the S.O.A.P. method.

S – Scripture
O – Observation
A – Application
P – Prayer

 

Death

Tags

Christian Aspie, Christian Living, death, grief, living for God

My day started one way and ended completely different. It changed at precisely 10:53 am EST.

Actually, my whole world changed.

My cell phone rang. I almost didn’t pick it up, I was busy at work. Then I did. If I hadn’t picked it up, would things still be the same?

No, there’s no way for that to happen. She died, my cousin died and not picking up the phone to hear the words would never change that.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, it still makes a sound.

I listened as my cousin (my other cousin) told me that our cousin had died – liver failure. she was just a few years older than I am, 47 or so. Very young. I wonder what my liver looks like, if it is healthy. I don’t drink though so I am sure that makes a difference.

Liver failure, alcohol causes that – other things too, but alcohol consumption is a common culprit. It would have to be a lot though. If that is the case, whatever numbed her from whatever was haunting her eventually took her life. Was that a fair exchange? Numbness for a life? I guess I would have to know more, have more details – and I suspect I never will.

I wonder if she found peace then?

I wonder if she was saved.

People, especially young ones, always think that they have more time, always more time. “Have your fun while you’re young.” And there aren’t any guarantees, we aren’t  guaranteed our next breath. And sometimes that fun sucks us in, either because we don’t want to stop, or that “fun” causes regrets. It’s a trap, really and the innocence of youth is particularly susceptible.

And then we die. That’s it. No more chances. There’s no rolling credits as you get up and start over, try again. That’s the end of the reel and eternity looms ahead flavored by the choices you made when you still had them.

I left work early, I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t breathe. I was making mistakes. When I got off of the commuter bus and into my car, I didn’t feel like driving home. I needed to be somewhere…I can’t find the words. I drove to the church and just sat in the parking lot for a while. There were cars there so someone was there, but I didn’t want to bother anyone. I just sat and thought. I couldn’t think of anything but wonder if I could have done anything to help her.

If I’d held out my hand

Would you have taken it?

Would you have known that you were not alone?

Did Jesus sit at your bedside

As you slipped away and fell into angels’ arms?

Did your heart know the peace that passes all understanding?

Did you know you were never alone?

My heart breaks for what i suspect. I so very much hope that I am wrong.

I am trying to label these emotions, but I just can’t. My emotional range is so limited and I haven’t experienced these, not even when I found my father dead in his bed. My husband is trying to help me. He said what I describe is most definitely shock, but also it sounds like I may feel some grief as well. I have never felt that before. I think God is changing me.