Some days I wonder if Asperger’s isn’t some cruel joke. I get shunned by so many people because of it.
I thought I had finally found a family – extended family (my mother is still alive) – who would love and accept me as I am. They talked a good game, acting like they liked me, like they wanted to understand Asperger’s.
But in the end, I think most people are only out for what benefits them. They look at other people through their own self centered perceptions and don’t try to understand.
I have been living in these people’s home with my husband because we had nowhere else to go. These people acted like they liked me at first anyway. But then I felt the shift. They stopped talking to me and when they did talk to me their tone was clipped and loud at the end. I know that usually means that someone does not like you when they use that tone. People have explained that to me.
I have no idea what I did wrong. I had been trying to be kind and helpful when I knew what to do. Most of the time I just felt very awkward because I am in a house that isn’t mine and I do not feel very comfortable doing a lot of things. I had been cooking for them, but they did not seem to like me doing that much. That was what I could think to do to help, but I don’t think they wanted me doing that.
I tried to be kind to everyone, even when they weren’t kind to me. And when the others would say something negative about one person I would try to say something positive about them because they weren’t there to take up for themselves. I don’t like talking bad about anyone, especially if they are not there to stand up for themselves.
But, as a social person I fail miserable and I really failed this time. Now they all don’t like me. And I don’t know why.
When I first felt that they did not like me, I stayed in my room a lot so give them space. That is what I do. When I know I am in a place where I am not wanted I withdraw. I become invisible. I hope that maybe if they don’t see me then they aren’t bothered with me and they will like me again.
I was wrong. This morning I overheard them talking about me. ALL of them! Even the one I thought still liked me! Then they all went to breakfast and left me there. They just announced they were going and left me there all alone like I was NOT a part of the family.
They showed me that I am NOT a part of their family. That really hurt. It hurt me to hear them talking about me and then to shun me that way. It was like they were making a point to let me know that I am not a part of their family.
I wish I could just go away but I can’t. I have my husband and he still loves me. But he is all I have here. I don’t have any friends, not even a pastor I can talk to – or feel comfortable talking to. I feel all alone. These people have turned on me and I have no idea why.
My husband says that Asperger’s is hard because I look so normal. But they have been told. I don’t understand why their hearts are so cold and hard against me. I have tried to be good. I have tried to be a friend. I have tried to fit in.
I tried to be a part of their family and now they don’t want me. And I am alone again. And I don’t even know what I did. I am so confused and afraid. How can people like you one minuted and not like you the next? I feel so uncomfortable here now. I have been crying most of the day because it hurts so badly. I never thought these people would turn on me like this. I never thought they would stop liking me.
Thank you, Asperger’s, for making me an outcast again and again.
I am SO CONFUSED!!!! I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If God has His hand in this I sure wish He would show up because I feel despondent. I am so tired of this life. So very, very tired.
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