I realize that there are people who don’t like me – even in my own family.
I realize that there are people who will never forgive me for things I have done – even in my own family.
And while it hurts, there is nothing I can do about it.
For an Aspie, that is a really, really hard thing to accept.
What many people don’t understand about the typical Aspie is that we want everything to be “right.” We want people to like us, especially the ones we like or love. We want to be forgiven. We want people to see that we have changed.
But to some people, some things are just too broken to fix and they will hold to their hate or bitterness or unforgiveness.
For an Aspie, it is hard to let go.
See, I know who much I have changed since I was filled with the Holy Spirit. I know that I am a completely different person and I am changing more and more every day.
I know that God has forgiven me for the things I did before the Holy Ghost got ahold of me and that should be enough.
But it isn’t.
I have people in my past, my own family even, who will always hold over my head that I did this or that. They will forever crucify me for things in the past over and over and over again. My regret, my apologies will never be enough. They will not be content until they see blood. They enjoy the punishment of their bitterness, their obvious contempt for me while they use me for their own gain.
And I just keep trying to bridge that gap; keep trying to get them to like me again. I just keep trying to get them to forgive me. I try over and over. I do things for them. I try to be as kind as I possibly can.
But you can’t buy forgiveness and love – not through actions or words or even money.
Forgiveness and love need to come from the person withholding it.
I am just grateful that Jesus does not withhold forgiveness and love. I wish more people would try harder to be like Him. I try to be – so very, very hard.
So for today’s Autism Awareness post I just ask you to please be aware of this tendency. If you have forgiven someone but haven’t actually said it, don’t take it for granted that they “just know” – they may not. And if they are an Aspie they most likely do not know.
Aspies usually cannot “read” people. We often cannot tell if someone likes us or dislikes us unless it is blatantly expressed.
If you like someone, let them know.
Because for an Aspie, it can be agony.