I struggle when I do not have clear direction. It causes me to be very anxious when I don’t know what is expected of me, especially when my I am being evaluated on my performance. That is what is happening to me right now. I know I am being evaluated at work, but I don’t know the criteria by which I am judged.
It is so stressful.
I don’t know if the people don’t realize how stressful it is, or if they even care, or if they don’t really know themselves. I don’t know if they like me or not, if they are upset with me – no one talks to me and I can’t tell.
I am struggling so much now at work because of this. My performance is being evaluated but I don’t know what they are looking for. I don’t know what they want from me or what they expect.
I just know that some unfair determinations have been made and I am being punished for expectations that I apparently did not meet. But no one told me what those expectations were.
I feel like I am groping around in a dark room, looking for a needle in a hay stack – and my life depends on finding that needle.
I did not realize how much this has been weighing on me until the other day. I met a woman on the bus, we were talking and she drove me home from the commuter lot so I would not have to walk. She was a very kind woman who loves God. She was very encouraging. What struck me, though, was that she, a complete stranger to me, recognized that something was weighing on me, bothering me. When she dropped me off, before I got out of the car, we prayed together and in her prayer she asked God to give me peace, to life the burden that was weighing me down.
I believe that God was reminding me to trust in Him. It is very disconcerting to work so blind, not knowing what is expected of me. But as long as I work as if I am working for Him rather than for man, He will take care of me. He knows how hard I work, what I do, even if humans do not. And His opinion of me is all that matters. I know I will be OK as long as I trust in Him and continue to walk in His Word.
The only thing I can depend on is Jesus.
I can’t worry about what man wants from me, especially if they won’t communicate it to me. I have to keep my focus on Jesus.
This is why communication is so important. But Aspies really need communication. We need direction. We need clarity in goals and expectations. People examine me and what I am doing but they won’t tell me what they expect. I feel like I am being set up to fail. I am on a train careening toward a cliff and no one told me where the brake is.
Right now, I feel lost, blind, at work. I feel that I am being measured and weighed against a set of criteria that no one shared with me. It is frustrating and feels like the world isn’t very solid under my feet. This is where my faith becomes so very important.
The ground around me may be unstable, but my God is solid!
I have to trust Jesus to guide me through this dark room, to show me where the needle is. And if I don’t find it, well, it is because He is opening another door for me to walk through.
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