I like perfection. I understand that many Aspies are this way.
I like to do things perfectly, I HATE to make mistakes or have someone criticize my work (because that means it was not perfect). Even with people, one slip can ruin or the relationship. Once the “perfection” is broken, I have a very difficult time trusting that the person won’t do whatever they did again. I also have a difficult time seeing the relationship as whole again. To me, it is marred. This can go on for years.
In my mind, I know that there is no such thing as perfection in the human world. Only God is perfect. I know that people are human and they make mistakes. I know that one mistake does not mean that a relationship is marred.
But it does not make any difference. My brain gets into that loop and I hold to my ideas, my feelings that it is all ruined.
I don’t know how to change that. It has caused some problems in my life. God blessed me with a wonderful husband, though. He is patient and, while there is no way he can truly understand, he tries to understand. At the very least, he accepts.
He gets frustrated with me. I see it, though he tries to keep it contained.
I need perfection; I need to be perfect.
My rational mind, though, knows that that is an aspiration I will never achieve until I am gone from this world, this body.
I have abandoned projects because I went outside the lines while I was coloring or cut something just a little crooked (yes, this started very, very early – as long as I can remember). I remember being a very young child and having meltdowns because I “messed up” a picture I was drawing or a craft I was making. It would torment me for days afterward.
In school, I couldn’t handle making bad grades so I stopped caring, stopped trying. I only did just what I absolutely had to do because they made me. I still made good grades, but by “checking out” I removed myself from the “game” so I didn’t run the risk of failing. I didn’t have to face yet another aspect of myself that was not perfect.
I think that we tend to do that in our walk with Christ, Aspie or not.
I think that we look at the person on the pew next to us and think that we have to meet their standard, be as good as they are because they represent some level of perfection in Christianity.
Aspies probably have it pretty bad, but I have heard NTs say that they feel as if they struggle with being a “good Christian.”
Sometimes, I think that NTs and Aspies are more alike than we may realize.
Christians may feel “defective” because they don’t feel joy by just being one of God’s children, or because they have thoughts that they shouldn’t or they don’t feel God when they pray.
What they don’t realize is that a relationship with God takes work – just like your marriage, your relationship with your kids, your friendships, every relationship you have requires work, why would your relationship with God be any different?
You find joy by spending time with God on a regular basis. You pray, praise, worship, feed your spirit Godly, good and pure things. A by-product of that is you will have power over the bad thoughts and tendencies. They won’t necessarily go away, but you can control them.
And if you want to feel God, just ask. I will write on this later. If you are interested, I would love to hear from you. It would be from an Aspie point of view, you know.
Joy comes from these things. When you seek God earnestly, He will bless you.
He will help you escape the perfect trap.