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Somedays I feel like I am in a world that doesn’t quite fit, like shoes that aren’t quite my size. I can still get my foot in them, but they pinch and hurt and are uncomfortable.

That is how it feels a lot of the time here.

Somedays I feel like they (the NTs) are the aliens, but then I look around and see this world that feels like a hologram and I realize that I am the alien.

I walk past people and they look right through me as if they don’t see me. I move through crowds and it is as if I am not even there – or they aren’t because I move through so easily. I feel like I am in a world that is one big hologram and nothing is really real, the people, things, nothing.

I can hear them and see them, but there is no connection to them.

I am not talking about that “dream feeling,” I get that sometimes too. I think everyone does. It is a dissociation and is often related to stress. This is different and I have felt it my entire life.

When I do talk to people and they look at me I don’t know what their expressions mean. Do they wish I would shut up and leave them alone? Do they want me to quit talking? Do they think I am boring? Do they think I am interesting? Do they think I am strange? Do they think I am a waste of oxygen who does not deserve to live in their world? (I have been told this before – I just don’t know if it still applies)

One event can change the whole course of my day, my life. I don’t think people understand that aspect of Asperger’s. Then again, I don’t think people understand much about Asperger’s at all. There’s some good information out there. I found a link to a list of characteristics of Asperger’s. Some of the things relate to children, but a lot of it applies to both children and adults. If you ever wondered, this is a good list. Autism Characteristics

My husband is very good to me. He tells me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He says I am better suited to him than anyone he has ever known – and he says that he believes it is at least in part due to the Asperger’s.

He says that communication is never an issue between us because I always say exactly what is going on and what I am thinking and feeling. He never has to wonder like so many men do with their wives. He has gotten used to the candor, the complete honesty.

He has also gotten used to the meltdowns and frustration I experience. He helps me deal with it and says it is worth it and he doesn’t mind dealing with it. He likes to help me.

He likes that I put God first and have asked Him to kill the part of me that is of this world so that He can live in me and I can be like Him. He appreciates my commitment to God first, not church first or anything else.

My priorities: God, CW, Family, everything and everyone else.

So, I keep reading my Bible and learning what God wants from my life. I keep praying and keep communicating with God and listening to what He says to me.

Because no matter how different I am, I always fit perfectly in God’s family.

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