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My day started one way and ended completely different. It changed at precisely 10:53 am EST.

Actually, my whole world changed.
My cell phone rang. I almost didn’t pick it up, I was busy at work. Then I did. If I hadn’t picked it up, would things still be the same?
No, there’s no way for that to happen. She died, my cousin died and not picking up the phone to hear the words would never change that.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, it still makes a sound.
I listened as my cousin (my other cousin) told me that our cousin had died – liver failure. she was just a few years older than I am, 47 or so. Very young. I wonder what my liver looks like, if it is healthy. I don’t drink though so I am sure that makes a difference.
Liver failure, alcohol causes that – other things too, but alcohol consumption is a common culprit. It would have to be a lot though. If that is the case, whatever numbed her from whatever was haunting her eventually took her life. Was that a fair exchange? Numbness for a life? I guess I would have to know more, have more details – and I suspect I never will.
I wonder if she found peace then?
I wonder if she was saved.
People, especially young ones, always think that they have more time, always more time. “Have your fun while you’re young.” And there aren’t any guarantees, we aren’t  guaranteed our next breath. And sometimes that fun sucks us in, either because we don’t want to stop, or that “fun” causes regrets. It’s a trap, really and the innocence of youth is particularly susceptible.
And then we die. That’s it. No more chances. There’s no rolling credits as you get up and start over, try again. That’s the end of the reel and eternity looms ahead flavored by the choices you made when you still had them.
I left work early, I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t breathe. I was making mistakes. When I got off of the commuter bus and into my car, I didn’t feel like driving home. I needed to be somewhere…I can’t find the words. I drove to the church and just sat in the parking lot for a while. There were cars there so someone was there, but I didn’t want to bother anyone. I just sat and thought. I couldn’t think of anything but wonder if I could have done anything to help her.

If I’d held out my hand

Would you have taken it?

Would you have known that you were not alone?

Did Jesus sit at your bedside

As you slipped away and fell into angels’ arms?

Did your heart know the peace that passes all understanding?

Did you know you were never alone?

My heart breaks for what i suspect. I so very much hope that I am wrong.
I am trying to label these emotions, but I just can’t. My emotional range is so limited and I haven’t experienced these, not even when I found my father dead in his bed. My husband is trying to help me. He said what I describe is most definitely shock, but also it sounds like I may feel some grief as well. I have never felt that before. I think God is changing me.