This morning was difficult. I was praying with my husband, well, I was trying to pray. It wasn’t working very well.
He had put on music and it was very distracting. First of all, I did not know the music so I kept finding myself trying to hear each word. Then it was loud with some instruments louder or more pronounced than others. Several of the songs were also obviously taped before a crowd because there was clapping and cheering which was very distracting. Then he was praying over all that and I was listening to him and the music and the words to the music and the people cheering and clapping.
On top of all that, I could hear the computer, the refrigerator and other noises that I guess were our neighbors. I could even hear my own heart beating (as I got more and more frustrated and upset).
my head started to hurt.
My throat got very tight and I couldn’t breathe. I was trying so hard, but it seemed like God was just slipping away.
I felt like I was all alone in a big, black hole and I could not get out. I couldn’t quiet my mind enough to even try to pray and it felt like God left me because I could not pray. I felt despondent, I think. It was a black, dark, sad feeling, like I had no hope. The world suddenly got very loud and very scary.
I got my clay out and started working it while I kept trying to pray.
The pain in my head got worse and worse and it seemed that all I could hear was the music and my husband praying, but nothing made sense and it did not sound like music or words. It was all just noise.
And I couldn’t breathe and my head was really hurting.
Then he stopped and looked, realizing I was having a hard time. He asked if the music was distracting me and I said yes. I did not want him to have to turn off his music because of me. I did not want him to look down on me because i couldn’t concentrate. So I didn’t tell him just how badly the experience affected me.
But a lot of the feelings are still with me. I can’t seem to settle down. This happens sometimes when something is really bad.
I tried to talk to him and he tries to understand. But he doesn’t understand, he can’t. He can’t understand the physical pain that comes from sensory assault. He can’t understand how it attacks my body and mind, making me hurt physically and making me frustrated, sad, agitated.
He can’t understand that just turning off the noise doesn’t make those things go away. There is some relief, but when it is really bad (like this morning) it takes a while for it to settle down, for me to settle down.
I did not want to start my day off like that. I feel like I disappointed him and I feel like God is so very far away – and I still can’t quiet my mind enough to bring Him back.