I guess it was bound to happen eventually. I had a meltdown yesterday – at church.
It had been a good day. It was our church’s 14th anniversary. There were a lot of people there. But there were a lot of things that set my universe out of order (that is how my husband describes it):
* We couldn’t sit in our regular seats (they had reserved that area for some special visitors
* There were a lot of people – and a lot of new people
* There was a lot of noise
* There was a guest speaker (different from our regular pastor)
* There were several different (special) things in the service
* They sang on less song than usual
* I was taking photos for the service so I was not with my husband, didn’t even sit with him during the service
I went to look for a person to ask them to do something (another person asked me to find him) but I could not find the person. Suddenly, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to go home.
I sat down on one of the chairs, not sure what to do. People were still moving around a lot, talking and i just wanted them to stop. I just wanted to find the person I was looking for, tell them what I needed to tell them so I could go home. But I couldn’t find him and everyone was talking so I couldn’t even ask for help.
I guess my husband saw me sitting and I he recognized I “was not doing well.” He walked to me and I said, “I want to go home. I want to go home now.”
He said OK and helped get me to the door. I did stop and tell a lady what was going on (she understands).
The people were everywhere and the noise was so loud I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts. It was just a noise, I couldn’t make out any words, just noise that was going into my head, filling my head. And the smells were everywhere. I could smell everyone’s perfume, cologne, shampoo, detergent they had washed their clothes in, everything.
It filled my head and made it hurt. I couldn’t breathe, my throat was tight, I was dizzy and my chest was hurting.
My husband was very understanding and kind. He spoke in a low, calm voice. He touched me, but very gently on my back – and very briefly. It is like he understood I needed no stimulation or as little as possible.
He got me home and let me keep the lights off for the rest of the evening. We kept the noise quiet and it was just us.
I settled down somewhat after a while, but I did not really sleep well. I feel better today.
Some days it is hard having Asperger’s. It is hard being so different. I know that God made me this way, made me with Asperger’s and he wants me to use it to help others.
And that is what I plan to do.